when i am home at night, i am most likely lying on my floor listening to classical music. my roommate emily can attest to this. music from either my records or from the radio station, WQXR. WQXR has recently become a public station and is in search for donations this week. i wholeheartedly know that when i have enough money to spare, i will send it all off to the arts, but for now - i listen with patience to them asking for donations, hope others are as generous as they are able to be and be pleased with the (charmingly humble?) two dollar contribution i made.
i immediately donated after hearing the woman on the radio say that "classical music is a beautiful way to calm yourself. to escape all of the bad news... there is so much bad news out there."
and there is. and it's really easy to only think of the awful, terrible, worrisome occurrences in the world, in your life. there are so many stressful situations i face as a new, new yorker (hello there, midtown manhattan - you and your concrete don't scare me anymore!). one of the hardest things i have gone through in life, so far, has been moving here. sure, finding an apartment was aggravating, finding a job was even more so. but nothing compared to actually living here after the dreaminess of actually living here wore off for me. at some point this summer, i realized new york city was not for me. it was a large, impersonal, unkind island and it was an absolute mental challenge that i was unable to get over. i felt like i was drowning. there were times visiting home in connecticut that i felt i couldn't get on a train back to the city. even with my incredible job, amazing friends and a lovely apartment - i still felt like the tiniest of ants. at one point i had all intentions of quitting my entire life here - move back to vermont and become a flower farmer. vermont is so comfortable, it really is perfection. and life would certainly be easy again.
but then this fall, i realized that i had to adapt. i didn't give myself the option to give up. i had come too far. and then i found the beauty, albeit, in a different way than i once did, of this glorious city. i have to seek it out and only participate in the things that i know will bring me happiness.
since then, i have completely steered my life in a different direction. i fast forward over the scary parts. i certainly know they are there, but i leap right over them. i was talking to a friend last week when i had a day completely free to myself (rare). she suggested i watch a documentary about factory farming and, frankly, this sounded utmost unpleasant. i took a college course solely on the ethical treatment of animals. i know and i am very aware. in college, i constantly exposed myself to the greater injustices of the world. but, that was when i lived in vermont, that was when i lived in a warm and snuggly blanket. it is so relative. and it is certainly not to say that i will never immerse myself in exploring not only the good, but the bad in life while living here in manhattan- but i just finally managed to get my head above water. and so i made a delicious vegetable soup instead.
my friend, mary, told me the other day at brunch, that she has completely stopped watching movies that are in any way distressing, i completely agreed with her. and emily is a very kind friend who tells me when i won't like a movie for this reason (thanks for looking out for me!). i am currently only looking to experience beauty and delight because that is what coincides with my life at this point. and so, i will continue to pick up lucky pennies off the sidewalk, buy pretty pastries, attend the ballet, practice calligraphy and enjoy weekend strolls. i will continue to listen to classical music and, of course, record it all on this blog.
